HINDSIGHT

A few months ago I received a gift. It was from a friend who lives a long distance from me; I think it was supposed to be a late birthday present. Anyway, the present was a book. More specifically, a sort of diary. "A Q & A a day: a five-year journal". The purpose of the book is simple, each page represents a new calendar day. And underneath the date is a question. It might be, 'Who made you smile today?', or 'What is the recipe for creativity?'. Whatever the question is, underneath you have five spaces. The idea is that throughout the year, you answer the question at the top of the page in the top space. Each year, when you get to the date, you answer the same question. So you end up with five answers to each question, spread over five years. When you have filled in the entire journal, you can see the evolution of your answers over five years, so you can see how much you have developed, be it friendships, jobs, relationships...there are questions on all aspects of your life. And some which just extract your thoughts. They may or may not change over the time you write, but that's the excitement of seeing how much you have changed!

But the arrival of this journal got me thinking about the evolution of life. At the time of living our life, the changes we go through are unnoticeable. We don't notice each day that we are getting that little bit older, or more spotty, or cleverer. It is only several years on that we look back and think; wow. I used to be so young, and I thought I knew everything. But when a couple of years have passed, and we become nostalgic, sadly we tend to look back at a younger version of ourselves in a more critical manner. We analyse our choices and try to understand why we made them, and what our life would be like if we could go back and correct that mistake. We think, ending that relationship was a stupid idea. If only I'd thought a bit more before giving it up. But of course, it is only with hindsight that we can see things for what they truly are. Truth be told, hindsight is a useless tool. We cannot change our past actions by thinking of different endings, we cannot tell our past self that they are making a stupid decision. But given the chance, would you really choose to? All of your past decisions have shaped who you are today. The choices that then seemed so insignificant had bigger consequences than you could ever have realised, and so even just changing one could have massively altered your future paths. Similarly, there are things which at the time seemed terribly important, such as exam results, or a lie you told, but five years on you realise that it had no major impact on your life; in fact it was completely insignificant!

The only way to use hindsight positively, is to look back and recognise that although you made some silly decisions and cannot change the consequences of those, you can learn from your mistakes and move forward with them. Without those choices, both good and bad, you would never be who you are today, and that is a thing to celebrate. Of course, there will always be times that you regret decisions you made in the past, and they will always stick with you. You may not ever be able to view them in a constructive light. And that's okay. Because we, as humans, all make mistakes that evolve into regrets. And with times where you were hurt, or you hurt others, hindsight may seem like a cruel gift. But just remember - sometimes people with the worst pasts can create the best futures. Because they have the ability to learn from what they have lost. You can too.

L xx

www.youtube.com/watch?v=JQacsqQ2Gdg The Vaccines - 20/20

TOXIC RELATIONSHIPS

The most important component of a teenage girl's life is her friendships. I am not stereotyping here; it is fact that relationships with peers matter more to girls than to boys. We form friendships based on similarities in personality, through other people or just for convenience. I have formed friendships through all of these methods, and they all have their advantages and flaws. My best friend I met through someone else. They were good friends before I properly knew her, but as I got to know her better, I knew that our friendship would blossom into one of those rare connections where two people are so close, that living their lives separately would be unimaginable. Now, I could not comprehend the idea of being without her. We are so similar in so many ways but also so different; and I think that that is what creates an affinity between two people, the ability to enjoy things together and on their own without feeling isolated. For instance, we both adore musical theatre and Disney, and will watch films of the genre and sing along in the car together. But whereas she prefers One Direction and 5 Seconds of Summer, I prefer Sam Smith and Regina Spektor. Our similarities bring us closer, but our differences ensure that we keep our separate identities. Although, we frequently have the problem of saying the exact same sentence at the exact same time in a conversation, which maybe suggests that our differences are not quite different enough! I plan to spend the rest of my life with this girl as my absolutely best friend in the world, and through our ups and downs, that belief rules over all. Some friendships are made to last a lifetime.

Others, however, are not. There are people you will meet/have met, who at the time you think will become one of your closest friends, and with whom you will share your deepest secrets and have an unforgettable journey. I seem to generally have rather bad luck selecting friends. The majority of my friendships from school have fizzled out by now, as I came to realise that they only thought of me as a 'package deal' with my at-the-time best friend, whom they wanted to get to know. When I realised this, sixth form seemed like the perfect opportunity to make brand new friends, and take on new adventures.

The problem is, I have never  been very good at making friends. I care far too much about what people think of me. I will choose not to talk to someone new, for fear that they will think me odd, or boring, or will later go and gossip to their friends about me. This means that where some people, aka my best friend, are friends with a wide variety of people, I have a select few with whom I consider myself friends. In the first months of 2014, however, I found myself with a cosy group of new friends. We spend lunches, birthdays and meals together, and were very close.  And then in the months that followed, things started to go wrong. We would have arguments which ended in sides being picked, I fell out more with my best friend than we ever had before, and we started to doubt our loyalty to each other. At the time, we blamed ourselves. In different ways, we thought, we have made mistakes which impact on our friendships. I spent a long time hating myself for things I thought I had started, which had created rifts in the group. It was only at the start of year 13 when something had happened to my best friend that I realised that most rifts in a group can generally be attributed to a person. Even in the most close-knit of groups, one person can plant seeds of doubt in the others' minds about the loyalty they feel, and this creates massive problems. At school, it is difficult to escape this pattern. We see everyone at least five days a week, and if you choose to ignore someone then it impacts badly on you rather than them, as you are seen to be isolated from the group. So you choose to accept it, You are stuck in a cycle of love and hate with someone, and there is no chance to escape until school is out, forever.

And when that time came, all I felt was an overwhelming sense of relief. Relief that I would no longer have to put on this façade for people. Relief that I could finally choose who I wanted to be friends with, who I thought were deserving of my attention, and I theirs. But with this relief also comes feelings of guilt. Really, what had this person done? Were they really deserving of my lack of attention? As humans, remorse is hard-wired into the majority of our brains. As is empathy. We are always thinking about how our decisions affect others - which is on the whole a good thing - but it also prevents us from making difficult decisions which may cause hurt to others. Or in my case, it may be mutual, as you realise that someone never really cared about you, and so consequently is not sad to see you go. In that way, your own feelings are collateral damage.

Some people have a difficult time of letting people go, because they think they owe it to them to stay. They've been a good friend for so long; yes, they've done bad things but ending the friendship is a bit harsh, isn't it? These people are perhaps too empathetic. They put the feelings of someone else above their own happiness. This makes me worry that they may get hurt by the person, and the betrayal will be so much worse than letting go at this stage.But I guess sometimes you have to just let it happen, in order for the person to learn how to put themselves first in future, and how to spot the signs that a relationship needs to end so that both parties can move on and be happier.

But please remember. You don't owe anyone an explanation for taking care of yourself. You are allowed to walk away from people who hurt you. You are allowed to terminate toxic relationships. You are allowed to be angry, and selfish, and unforgiving.

We all have to be a part of a toxic relationship for a little while in order to understand how much happier you can be without them, and the ability to break it off determines how strong you are as a person. Don't be afraid to put yourself first.

L xx

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bm1g5Yg0hUw

The Dandy Warhols - We Used To Be Friends

DOING WHAT YOU LOVE

It was only a couple of months ago that I realised how little attention I paid to those four words throughout my life. Do what you love. In childhood, this manifested itself in hobbies; some children played football, some swam, some danced. Or if you were like me, you spent half your time playing sport and the other half reading. But although your parents may have shifted the balance towards you choosing a certain activity, it was your choice, and you chose to do that particular activity because you enjoyed it. This becomes even more prevalent when you reach teenage years and begin to drop hobbies - for those you carry on with are clearly those you have the most fun doing. I did synchronised swimming until I was 16 - competed in Nationals twice, with 12 hours of practice a week. You can only reach that level of commitment if you enjoy something. Children 'specialise' in fields of interest, and this decides what sort of a person they are and what they will be doing in later life.

Fast forward to the age of 16, when children have to decide their career. I know I seem fixated on career choice in my posts, but it was such an important realisation and journey for me personally that I don't want others to be stuck in the same position I was. So many people choose careers because they looked through a web page and spotted one they liked the look of, or looked at the highest-ranking salaries. But money is not going to seem like such of a pressing issue if you are bloody miserable earning it! A friend once said that although her dad earns a fair amount of money at his job, he dreads waking up every morning because he cannot stand his job. This is supposed to be a career lasting you 50 years, so why would you choose something that you hate? Life is supposed to be about happiness and fulfilling the short time we have, so why would you make yourself unhappy by making one wrong decision? If you always enjoyed leading groups and presenting in class as a child, be a teacher if that is what you want to do! If you wrote stories throughout your childhood and still have notepads full of them (ahem) then find a job where you can write for a living! If you are an incredible singer, bringing goosebumps and tears to those around you, don't listen to anyone telling you you are not good enough. Prove them wrong, and sing your way to the top!

I decided a while ago that my life is going to be focused around happiness. I will be around the people who bring out the best version of myself, and distance myself from the toxic ones. After exams, I will pick up the activities I always enjoyed doing - scrap-booking, drawing, writing, reading...the list goes on. I will set my sites on my end career goal, and do everything in my power to get there. Life is far too short to press pause and watch the replays, the best way to live your life is to LIVE! Have messy nights, travel, work night shifts, be completely and utterly spontaneous because that is the only way you can properly explore who you are, and from that develop where your future lies. University, a career and a family don't have to follow in quick succession, there is not a set path you must follow.

Do what you want, and don't let anyone tell you you're wrong.

L xx

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vx2u5uUu3DE Bon Jovi - It's My Life

IDEAS AND INSPIRATION

Inspiration can be sought from anywhere. The unnamed hamlets you pass through on a train journey. The people strolling past you in the park, content in their oblivion. The harassed parent with the screaming child on the supermarket floor. If you look closely enough, if you pay enough attention to the minute details, you have the potential to find that spark of inspiration that will later ignite and begin a scorcher of a story.

That's why I always carry a notebook with me. I seem to have an unhealthy obsession with notebooks; with far too many floating around my bedroom. I am transfixed by their designs, textures and quotes, not to mention the endless pages of fresh, new white paper. I am drawn to the stationary isle of any supermarket, to the Paperchases and Rymans' of the High Street, to the quirky boutiques of Camden. When I find a notebook that is just right, it then holds all of the memories of that trip in which I can immerse myself whenever I turn the pages.

It's my safety net. If I am in brand new territory and am seemingly lost, as long as I have a notebook, I know I can sit myself somewhere, and just write. Writing is what I do best. And if I can't write, I draw. As soon as I sit myself in a library, a coffee shop or a park, with people to observe, sounds and smells to stimulate my senses, I open my notebook and write.

I am going to challenge you. I challenge you to go to a new city or town, somewhere you have never been before. Buy a notebook; whether it's a 99p ringbinder from the supermarket or a leather-bound pad from a High Street boutique, the choice is yours. Purchase a pen; fountain pens are a personal favourite but a Biro will do just fine. Locate a local coffee shop, park or even a bus stop. Then just sit still, and breathe in the smells of coffee beans, petrol fumes, freshly mown grass. Listen to the people around you, the cats fighting in the back alleys, the water fountain trickling steadily. Find your own source of inspiration, and just let the words flow from the barrel of your pen onto the crisp, white paper. Appreciate the world you live in. That's where true inspiration comes from.

SPRINGTIME

Spring. The first full season of the new year. When I think of spring, I think of all of the clichés surrounding it; small, fluffy baby animals, vibrant yellow daffodils, the beginnings of new buds on trees. But for myself, the idea of a 'fresh start' that spring brings, also gives me hope that the coming year will be the best one yet. And that is what has happened. Every year, I experience new places, people and things, and achieve more than I ever thought possible. Because of this, for the last few years, on the first day of spring (in 2015 being 20th March) I have created a list of all that I would like to accomplish in the coming year. Now the items on this list are not typical "bucket list" items, such as go skydiving, go on a road trip or visit a festival. Instead, they are tasks which I need to complete in order to ensure that I achieve everything in the future that I want to. So, I am going to share with you all that is on my list, for the year of 2015.

1. A-Levels.

In summer, I will be completing my second year of A-Levels in Biology, Psychology and English Language. At the end of my first year, I achieved CBA respectively, which, if I am being completely honest, was a disappointing result. This year I am working harder and longer than I ever have before, to achieve my goal of BAA. Despite not going to university, results like these will land me in good stead for other opportunities, and will also provide me with a platform for leverage should I ever want to go to university. Evidence of talent is useful, but every employer likes to see a high quality array of three letters on a piece of paper.

2. Get an internship.

This next point sort of goes against what I have just said, but if a balance of the two is considered then you will begin to get an idea of what I am going for. For a career in journalism, or writing, most employers will look to those with a degree first, this is true. However the factor which is just as, if not more important is evidence of your ability. By getting an internship at a magazine or online platform, even though I won't be paid I will be mixing with the right sort of people and will be able to begin putting my writing out there. I am aware that long hours will be spent fetching coffee and taking notes, but what else am I to expect when I have decided to take the hard way in? Working out how a magazine enterprise works will allow me to work my way up in their estimations, and get advice from the best on how to make it big.

3. Get a full-time job.

Due to not being paid, a full-time internship would not be appropriate. I will be an 18 year old girl living with her parents, hoping to travel the world solo in 2016. For this to work, I need a job. Now I currently have two jobs, both lifeguarding at a leisure centre. However for a full-time position I will be looking for a job in retail in the city of Bath. Bath is a city of opportunity and class, and so I hope that working there will give me the inspiration I need when writing and finding a suitable internship. I am aware that points 2 and 3 will not give me much spare time, but by filling up my schedule I will ensure that as little time as possible is spent doing nothing. Because at the end of the day, where is that going to get me?

4. Work harder on my book.

As some of you will know, I began writing my first novel last summer. I am 50 pages in, and have not written a single sentence for it in 6 months. This upsets me, as during the summer I would spend hours drafting and redrafting - it was my creative outlook. Therefore when I finish my A-Levels and have much more time to think and be stress-free, I would like to begin to work very hard on it in my spare time, and hopefully at the same time as being something to do, it will allow me to hone my writing skills and impact on my blog, and everything else I am up to.

5. Write more regularly on 'Welcome to my reflection.'

This is the third blog I have written on since learning about the activity. At first I had a fashion and beauty blog, and then was asked to write for a lifestyle blog, and then began this one. I have not written as much as I would have liked to while I have had it, and am putting this misdemeanor down to the stress of exams and coursework. It was my creative outlook, my little piece of the internet. My baby! So following results day I would like to up my frequency of posts to at least one a week, in order to build my online portfolio, as it were, in anticipation of potential writing positions!

Next spring I will revise this, and can see what I have and haven't managed to achieve in 2016.

L xx

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LanCLS_hIo4 Bob Marley - Three Little Birds(because no one holds more optimism about the future than Bob, right?)

ELASTIC HEART

I wanted to compose a post today on the concept of art. Specifically, art when referring to music, and the choreographing behind videos. Even more specifically, about the ever so talented musician Sia, and her recently released video starring actor Shia LeBeouf and child dance prodigy Maddie Ziegler. This video has caused massive uproar in the music world and in the media, due to it's emotional, and personal nature. I understand that everyone has differing opinions when it comes to hidden meanings, however when people automatically cry "Paedophilia!" when they view a man and young girl interacting beyond what the public are comfortable with. LeBeouf and Ziegler are both professional artists, one a well-reknowned actor with years of experience, and the other a professional child dancer with a bright future.

I for one cannot understand why anyone would look at this video and see a sexual nature in any way. This is one of my favourite music videos of all time, and I have watched it countless times, trying to pick out the different messages Sia is trying to put across. The song is called "Elastic Heart" and so what I pull out of this video is Sia's two different personalities - one lighter and more childlike, and one darker half that represents her bad decisions and regrets. The two personalities hate each other due to the one constantly holding the other back, and no matter how hard the Ziegler personality tries to escape, LeBeouf is holding her back. However when she finally manages to escape the "cage" which I see as a metaphor for Sia's mind and body, she makes her way back in, and the two personalities reconcile. The intimacy the two dancers share represents the feeling that they are one, and that one cannot survive without the other.

Both dancers wear nude coloured, filthy body suits in the video. This again has been linked to the idea of the dancing being too intimate. However again, I do not in any way see a sexual nature to these outfits, instead, I believe they have been dressed in this way to focus the attention on the dancing, and portray the rawness of the workings of the human consciousness. This video made me feel extremely emotional and vulnerable the first time I watched it, because instantly I felt the emotion Sia was trying to put across. 

The controversy of this video has made me wonder - are we really seeing paedophilia in every situation where a non-related man and young girl are engaging in an intimate scenario? This video is SUPPOSED to show how close the two personalities are, and how they are both obsessed and repulsed by the other. I think it has thrown up so many controversial comments because unlike 99% of videos of this genre, it portrays a real emotion and is so much deeper than the others of its kind. I would be really interested to hear any comments that anyone has on this video and post.

I will link the video below, I encourage anyone who hasn't to watch it.

L xx

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KWZGAExj-es

CHRISTMAS

Christmas for me really is the most wonderful time of the year. It's a period where you get to spend time with the people you love most, and where everyone is joyous. Earlier, I asked my younger brother when his favourite time of the entire year is, which for him is the best day to spend. He replied with "my birthday". I asked him why. He then told me that on his birthday, everyone sings happy birthday to him, and he gets presents and cake and there is a big celebration as he is the most important person at that time. I reflected on this. I understand where he is coming from - all 13 year olds love presents and cake, and everyone feels special on their birthday because their life is being celebrated. When I was younger, I probably would have said the exact same thing. Even now, I enjoy being wished happy birthday, having the phone ringing all day and having an excuse to have a party. But here's the thing about birthdays; the person being celebrated is the only one who is truly happy. Everyone else feigns being excited for them, but in actual fact it is just another day for many people, where they could be doing other things with their time other than fawning over this individual. The reason I don't like my birthday, or my brother's, is that every evening my mum goes upstairs to her room, and has a little weep. This isn't because she's angry, or we've done something to upset her. It's because each year we get a bit older, and a bit closer to the time where we will eventually pack our bags, leave home and start our own families. And this fact scares her. Of course on my birthday I am happy, but when she quietly leaves the room in the evening I know what she is thinking, and it makes me sad that she thinks it every year.

But Christmas is different. Firstly, you get a long build up in the early months of advent calenders, chocolates, shopping and decorating before the twelve days of Christmas are even on the horizon. Advent calenders for me and my brother are so exciting - our parents used 24 silver tin cans to make a Christmas tree, and in each day they put a little present for each of us. For example this morning I got a little Yankee candle votive, and yesterday my brother received a bracelet from Hollister. They're never large presents, just little tokens which get us in the mood for the big day. Decorations are another of my favourite parts of the run up, I've decorated my bedroom with paper chains, tinsel, fairy lights, bunting, candles and a little Christmas tree on my desk. Every evening when it gets dark, the blinds go down, the lights turn on and the candles are lit. The atmosphere really calms me down, and gets me in the festive mood.

Another reason why Christmas is wonderful is the food. So. Much. Food. You begin with a bigger breakfast than normal, we usually have bacon sandwiches or pancakes before we start opening presents. Christmas is also an excuse to eat chocolate at any time of the day, so there will always be a tin of Quality Streets or Roses on the table from which people nibble all day. And then mum will bring out the big one. Christmas lunch is the best thing to ever be invented - with helpings upon helpings of turkey, veg, roast potatoes, stuffing, cranberry sauce, crackling and gravy. Absolutely divine. Then when you can't eat another morsel, puddings are brought out. Christmas pudding, mince pies, cakes, chocolates and gingerbread galore. More food than you could possibly eat, which is why on Boxing day lunch is a Christmas dinner sandwich and leftover pudding. You couldn't ask for anything better, really.

But shall I tell you the main reason why Christmas day is the best day of the year? It is because it is the one day where everyone around you is just as excited as you are, and you can partake in the festivities knowing that everyone in the room is content. And it makes me happy knowing that.

L xx

The song I have chosen for this post is my all time favourite Christmas tune, Fairytale of New York by The Pogues. Enjoy! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j9jbdgZidu8

TRAVELLING AROUND THE WORLD???

What is the one thing that every 16 year old ever says when talking about a gap year?

"Yeah so in my gap year I'm going to travel around the world."

How many actually fulfill that desire? Not many.

The logistics of travelling the world, in a year, at 18 years old, don't quite add up. Many people forget to factor in the cost of flights, visas, insurance and all of the other extras that come with travelling. For this reason, many people don't end up travelling around the world, and twenty years later when they look back on their young adult life, it is the one thing they wish they had accomplished. When I tell people that next year I would like to travel the world, many of them shake their heads as if they are old, wise and knowledgeable about the inevitable downfall that will be my dreams next year. However this is where I am determined to prove them wrong. When I read blogs belonging to other people that are more successful, have more followers and have some sort of reputation, my eyes are consistently drawn to those advertising TRAVEL TRAVEL TRAVEL. The idea that I could combine two of my favourite pastimes; writing and sitting on a plane filled with excitement about where it is taking me, overwhelms me beyond belief. Furthermore - and at this I am jittery with exhilaration - some people even get paid for doing such a thing. I defy anyone who tells me this isn't the best job description in the entire world.

So this is what I am setting out to do. My idea in a tiny, tiny nutshell; work and build up a bank of savings, and then withdraw every penny and use it to travel to all of the places I want to most in the entire world. However here is where my plan differs from all the other naive 16 year olds - I will aim to write a post on a brand new travel blog for every single day I am away. That way, whether I end up getting noticed or not, I can do what I love for as long as I can and then use it when I get home to England to show people what I am capable of. Everyone I speak to tells me I'm either brave, idiotic, courageous, outlandish or simply stupid for going out on such a tiny limb, with not many places to jump to safety if I fall. If anything, these comments only spur on my enthusiasm. I want to prove everyone wrong. I want to try and spend as long as I can doing what I do best, and if it doesn't work out? Well then I can go back to being a lifeguard for a bit longer.

I have a quote on my bedroom wall that reads "If your dreams don't scare you, they're not big enough." My dreams scare the pants off me, which surely means that it is the right thing to do, and I will regret it for the rest of my life if I don't go out on this limb.

I hope you will all support me.

L xx



Louis Armstrong - What a Wonderful World
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E2VCwBzGdPM

FEMINISM

The majority of people who see that word, that abstract noun, that collectivist term, would have similar immediate thought processes, involving at least two of the following phrases. "She probably doesn't shave and enjoys the feel of course hair scratching her underarms." "Man-hater; I expect she's a lesbian." "Oh she's one of those radicals who runs the streets naked professing her love of fresh air whistling past her bare boobs." I have encountered many such definitions, when in actual fact, the term is much more clear-cut. Feminism. A person who believes in the social, political and economic equality of the sexes. For me as an individual, I don't understand how there is a person in the world, male or female, who wouldn't identify as a feminist. And I am going to explain to you, as simply as I possibly can, why I am a feminist.

At 14 years old, I was walking home from school past a house which had building work taking place. Scaffolding surrounded the house, and many middle-aged men were stood on the scaffolding chatting, drinking coffee and laughing. It was here that I first experienced being objectified by a man. One of the builders lent over the railing and whistled at me, whilst another called "Oi Pete, what you would give for a piece of that ass!" At which they all laughed and began conversing among themselves. At the time, I was actually rather flattered by the comment, despite being from men old enough to be my father. However a few days later, I began thinking about what had been said. What gives those men the right to call me out on various parts of my body, embarrassing me and making me feel like a piece of meat to be analysed for its shape and aesthetics? Why is it okay for a man to objectify a woman, or young girl, but if women made those sorts of comments to boys they would be seen as vulgar and disgusting? At this point I began to google objectification, and sexism, and started to read blogs and forums where people (mainly female I hasten to add) discussed situations such as these. This is where I first encountered the term feminism. And I liked the notion of it, the notion of this small minority of women who wanted to change the majority opinion that women are weaker and less important than their male counterparts.

I encounter so many girls who say "I have all the rights I need. I can work the same jobs as men, I can vote, and I can drive cars according to the same laws as men. What else do I need?" And at this, I just sink in a sea of despair at how uneducated the majority of society is about gender equality. Because I feel that these people are missing crucial information they need to make that decision. For example, are they aware that in the UK this year, women still earn on average 15% less per hour than their male counterparts? That doesn't seem like much, but it adds up to over £5,000 per year that they are being deprived of. I wonder if these same girls have ever been subject to sexual harassment. I know I certainly have, and by this I don't mean violent abuse, like rape. I mean verbal harassment, which I receive most days when I'm walking around town. People don't even have to speak, I can see men walking past me looking me up and down, as if I am an animal at auction. Does this seem fair to you, that women endure this every single day, whereas men have no such worries? Does it bother you that if I am walking down a road in the dark, and I see a group of men walking in the opposite direction, I will purposely cross the road so I don't have to walk past them, for fear of being harassed? This is the sort of behaviour that I believe society needs to take measures to change. And it can be done. We just need enough people to see that males and females should be treated with equal respect, and evolution will run its course and change our the views of our patriarchal culture.

Thank you for reading this. I welcome any comments you may have.

L xx

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=17hPCHLMpyM Beyoncé - Flawless

THE FUTURE

The Future. My Future. Those words have been haunting my mind, and deciding my life choices, for the last few years. When I was younger, at around the age of 5, the answering phrase to the question "What would I like to be when I grow up?" was simple. "A doctor, so I can make people better. Also a vet, so I can stroke animals all day. And I want to write books because I really like making up stories." I knew exactly how I wanted my life to go, and I figured that it was simple to achieve. However as we grow and mature into children, and teenagers, we are told that we need to be "realistic" in deciding our future careers, and that we need certain skills to progress in our chosen profession, of which we can pick just one. So twelve year old Liberty sat down in her bedroom and began to think about what she really wanted from a career, because it's always an advantage to think ahead, right? She was already under the impression that she was a young lady, and definitely old enough to make a decision as important as what she wanted to do as a job for the rest of my life. She couldn't be a doctor, because you had to be good at science for that and she really didn't like science at all. A vet seemed a plausible option, but there would always be the part where you had to clean out rabbit cages and that didn't seem very hygienic to be doing for the rest of her life. So that left a writer. Well, she did enjoy Literacy, and Mrs Johnson said her stories were very interesting and she always seemed to write so much more than everyone else in the class. So, she spent the next few years content in the belief that her future was sorted.

When you start secondary school, you reach a point where you begin to be asked the same question. Except this time, you are expected to give serious answers, with a defined pathway in mind to reach your goal of that job which has been approved by your teacher. Gone were the aspiring astronauts, the prospective painters and the dozens of doctors. Instead, we had teachers, engineers, plumbers, journalists and businessmen. At this point, 16 year old Liberty (having decided that being a writer was a precarious profession and didn't count as a real job) was set on passing her GCSEs and A-Levels with flying colours in order to become a first-class psychologist. Yes, that counted as a realistic job - you had to be clever, go to university and get a degree, and I found psychology interesting which was an added bonus. So, having achieved all As and A*s at GCSE she chose a range of academic subjects to continue at AS Level.

In year 12, big decisions such as university and jobs come around very quickly, as you start to be invited to open days and events to help you make up your mind where you are going post-A Level. At this point, choosing red-brick universities which excelled in the field of psychology seemed a very valid option, so score-chart in tow, 17 year old Liberty ran off to Bath, Cardiff, Southampton, Birmingham and many more to see what university life would have in store for her. It was very exciting. And when it started getting towards the end of the academic year, she had all the answers ready. "Where would you like to go?" Somewhere in the top 20 for the subject would be ideal. "What would you like to do?" Psychology of course, "What would you like to do after university?" ........ Ah. Her plan hadn't accounted for that question. She had ruled out the option of becoming a world-class psychologist, because for that you needed many, many years at university, and that would cost a lot of money and not leave much time for anything exciting. And apart from that, there wasn't much else to do with a psychology degree. Her plan had been foiled, and now she didn't know what to do.

She spent the summer holidays worrying about exam results, starting year 13, and The Future. She was back to square one, which wasn't a good place to be with only one year of schooling left. So yet again, she began to think. She thought about what had consistently been her favourite thing to do at school. She thought about how university isn't the best option for everybody, and most importantly she thought about the career options she had discarded when she was younger. She spoke to her parents, to her teachers, to her friends, and she thought long and hard for weeks and weeks. Maybe psychology was not what she really wanted to do. What was the point of studying a subject for three years, and then not using it in her future career? Why waste three years at university, when you can spend that time experiencing the world, and what role you play in it. And suddenly it came to her, just like it did all those years ago. Writing! She wanted to be a writer. Of course.

So that is the next step in my life. Figuring out how to make this work, how to be successful, and how to do it while having an amazing time.

Stay tuned.

L xx

Avicii - Wake Me Up
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IcrbM1l_BoI

WRITING A BOOK

As a child, one of my favourite things to do was to write stories. They could range from adventure stories, in which I was the daring, heroic protagonist, or later on in my childhood, poems proclaiming the love I felt for a boy in the year 5 class. Whatever the subject matter, my teachers would read it and say "Liberty, you have an excellent imagination. I could see you becoming a writer some day." Well, I read a lot of books and I decided that despite my love of literature, I would be an inept author, primarily due to my lack of concentration. However recently I have realised that writing a book doesn't necessarily have to be a full time profession. So my most recent epiphany is that I could maybe begin to write a book, or novel, just if I have a spare half an hour here or there between exams. It probably wouldn't end up anywhere, and in most likeliness wouldn't even make it from my computer documents. However despite this, I think I may have a go. Just for something to enjoy, and to take my mind off of A Levels and exams.

What do you think? Should I have a go?

L xx

RACE FOR LIFE - JUSTGIVING.COM

Recently me and my best friend were discussing the art of fundraising, sponsorship and donating. We have decided that our aim this summer is to raise as much money as we can for various charities supporting a variety of things. Already, we have taken our first step towards this goal, and we, along with another friend, have signed up to take part in the Race For Life in support of Cancer Research UK. We want to raise as much money as possible for this charity as it is one very close to my heart, and to do this we have set up a page on justgiving.com so that donating is made easier.

I don't know how many people actually read my blog, but if you are, donating 50p, £1, or even £5 would make such a difference and we would be so grateful. The link is below, this is for an amazing cause and each and every donation brings the day cancer is eradicated closer and closer.

http://www.justgiving.com/mystery-pink

Thank you, I love you all.

L xx

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=an4ySOlsUMY Ellie Goulding - How Long Will I Love You

WHEN YOU FEEL LIKE NOTHING

Have you ever felt like no one understands you? Like you are alone with nothing but your thoughts for company? Like you are an imperfection? I feel like this frequently. In fact, yesterday I had my parents' evening, which normally isn't a problem. I go in, get told that I am doing well/not so well/rubbish, and then we leave. But when me and my mum were sat in front of my psychology teacher, she opened with something I wasn't expecting, and quite frankly, scared me. She said "Liberty, I am worried about you." Now when people ask me if I am okay I have always maintained that I am fine, nothing is wrong, no need to worry. And that has always been fine - I hide my feelings away and people accept that I am feeling positive. But when this teacher tells me that - in a room with 20 other people, no less - she is worried about me? That scared me.

It's not like I am majorly depressed, or have a disorder, or am abnormal in any way. It is just that occasionally I get these unwelcome negative thoughts, and I just feel...well...shit. I have had a lot of things I have found hard to deal with over the last few years, one of which is my mum suffering from breast cancer. Originally I dealt with this with a manner of acceptance, she has cancer but it's okay because she'll have surgery and radiotherapy, and get better. Which she did. It is only now that I hear about cancer, such as in lessons, Biology to be exact, and I get kind of emotional. I have never really been an emotional person, but recently the slightest thing can set me off, and I will sob for hours on end. Now I've sort of gone on a tangent to what I originally intended to talk about, instead I've just ranted about my life. We all have moments where we feel like rubbish, and we don't feel like we deserve to be welcomed by society. Maybe I have more of these feelings than most, but it is just part of being a female teenager.

For me, the worst part was when after my parents evening, my mum asked me what was going on. She is amazing, and I love her to pieces, but recently our relationship has been steadily going downhill, due to the fact that she is very active in making sure that I am revising for my A-Levels every minute of the day. I had been keeping these thoughts from her because I didn't feel like I had a good enough relationship with her to share this with her, but also because I didn't want to worry her. However when she asked me about it, I just broke down. I cried for a very long time, with her sat on the end of my bed asking me what was happening, and what she could do to help. She even suggested getting a councillor to talk to. Even after all this, I still didn't feel I could justify to her why I was feeling like I was, and I think that by not telling her, I have hurt her, deep down. And I feel terrible, but I still can't find the words to explain what is happening inside me. Does this make me a bad daughter? I don't know, but I'm just hoping that I will either begin to feel more like my old self soon, or find the words to tell her. That is quite ironic. I write a blog, and yet I can't speak to my own mother. But, to quote Goodnight Mister Tom, "Everything in its own time". Eventually I will be able to speak to her as I once could, and until then, repairing our relationship is all I can do.

If you have read until the end, thank you, I appreciate it more than you can imagine. I don't write this blog in order to get views and followers, I write it because if I didn't then I would never let go of any of my emotions, and they would just fill my head until there is no room for anything else. So thank you, I love you all.

L xx

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qXnolqF3veE Tich - Little By Little

THEQUITEPLACEPROJECT.COM

Yesterday, I discovered a website called www.thequietplaceproject.com. This website isn't commercial, or a scam, it's full of people who need comfort in their darkest days, and equally, give comfort to others. Now I don't normally seek advice from other people, in fact, I tend not to take to the internet at all when I'm feeling upset, as I could quite easily do something I would regret. However if I have a spare half hour here and there, I log on and scroll through people's pleas for help, and I try to help as many people as I can. The unique characteristic of this website is that it doesn't run to make a profit - in fact all adverts that advertisers have tried to implement have a white box covering them in order to omit distraction from the actual content of the site. There is an emphasis throughout the whole site on relaxation and calm, such as the omission of capital letters and the simplicity of the design. On the site there are several different 'rooms' which people can go and visit, depending on how they are feelings.

1. The dreams room. This room allows the user to add milestones in their dreams. Whether you are happy, sad or angry, you are able to spill your thoughts and track your progress. This room is anonymous, so whatever you write can only be seen by you unless you choose to add it to the comfort spot. Which leads me on to...

2. The comfort spot. This is the main space on the website, and it is where you have space to write about how you are feeling or spread comfort to others. You can choose to post using a username or anonymously, and although I have posted several times to this page, I am still amazed each time by how much love and positive support I receive from people. This is why the quiet place project is different to most other websites - not once have I seen someone being unfriendly, unkind or hurtful to someone else, which is wonderful because it shows that there are still good people in the world who care about others, and want to help people when they are in their darkest days.

3. The thoughts room. This is the place to go if you are feeling angry, but need to let it go, quietly. The animation is accompanied by soothing piano music, and the idea is that you feel as if you are in space. Once you have read the initial advice, you are presented with a box in which you can type. When I go into this room, I pour out everything that is troubling me, and that I feel I could be better off without thinking about. Fascinatingly, as you type, the words fall out of the box and disappear into the stars, and honestly, it makes me feel a whole lot better.

4. The dawn room. This room is where you need to be if you feel like you can't carry on, that nobody loves you, that it would be better if you just weren't around. We have all had feelings like this - maybe not in the extreme sense, but I know I have had periods of feeling worthless, and not wanted. The page invites you first to think about the most important person in your life, and to imagine them needing *you* at that moment. You are presented with a box, and asked to give that person some positive comfort. Then, you are shown all of the comforts that people have written previously - and you know the most amazing thing? As you read, it is as if all of these comforts have been written personally for you, with all the love that they can muster. I can sit and watch the words float across the screen, and feel...well...loved. Truly loved.

5. It will be okay. The final main room is simply entitled the latter. It requires no participation or interaction from the user, it simply talks to you, and tells you that even when you are down, and feeling lost, and you need a helping hand, the quiet place project is here for you.  I need say no more, except, if any of you ever feel like you can't cope, or you can't talk to anyone around you, please visit http://thequietplaceproject.com/ and see how amazing the human species can be.  

L xx

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WpItR7E2Z-E A Rocket To The Moon - Lost and Found

THE 2014 JAR

This post has been saved as a draft since the beginning of January, due to the fact that I didn't know if I even wanted to post it. I have decided to go for it anyway, however I have omitted some of the more personal information that was originally going to be a part of it. I decided, at New Year, that this year I was going to keep a '2014 Jar'. The idea of this jar is that every time something happens this year that makes me feel happy, or excited, or just generally makes me feel good about myself, I will write it on a scrap of paper and add it to the jar. On New Year's Eve 2014 I will empty its contents and re-explore all of the amazing things that I have done in the year, and relive all of the wonderful memories. Unfortunately this is not an original idea - I actually saw a post on Tumblr which mentioned it, so I decided to give it a go.

The reason that I am doing this, is because every New Year, people I know (and usually myself included) spend the night moaning about how rubbish and miserable the year was, and how this one will be so much better. But the year has never actually been that bad, it is just that people only focus on the bad experiences that have taken place, and people forget the little things that just generally make life that little bit better. For example, yes I have a lot of exciting things lined up this year like road trips, concerts, and holidays, but so far the contents of the jar hold a lot of sentimental value personally to me. One experience which has found a place there is a text message that my best friend sent me. It was around a time when I was feeling quite down about myself, and my self-confidence had plummeted even low than normal. She sent me this beautiful message which made me feel so much better about myself, and it was so beautiful that, I am not ashamed to admit, brought tears to my eyes. So this is the point of the jar. Just to bring back the wonderful emotions felt throughout the year, rather than looking back with nothing but regret. Although there are only a few scraps of paper in it at the moment, I know that by the end of 2014 it will be full to the brim, because my aim is to make this year the best one yet, and to do that I need to maximise the positive feelings and my only way to keep track of those it to keep this jar dedicated to happiness. I admit that it is exceedingly cheesy and cliche, but that is what I like about this idea - everyone has positivity in  their life, so I don't think it should be an original idea - I believe that everyone needs a 2014 jar - even if it is just a metaphorical one.

L xx

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M1chTQ58a1Q Hairspray - Good Morning Baltimore

LIFE EXPERIENCES

At the age I am now, I find myself suddenly sitting back from my increasing pile of revision, and I just sit, and contemplate my life achievements. I'm actually quite disappointed that my 'life experiences' can be counted off on one hand. Here are the only things I have done with my short life so far that I believe hold value that I will appreciate when I am older:

1. My National Age Groups 2012 win. I recently ended my competitive synchronised swimming career, however in December 2012 I competed in the team event among 9 other girls, swimming for Bristol Central. We did amazingly well, and claimed 1st prize, beating 14 other teams. I consider this a life experience because it shows that if you work hard for something (which we did - 12 hours a week for a year) then it can pay off and you can achieve your dream. It proved that even if something seems impossible, if you all set your mind to it then the outcome can be wonderful. Walking onto the poolside, about to begin our routine, I felt a sinking feeling in my heart, because before my eyes flashed all of the problems our team had faced over the last year - my ear infection, having to cut down our routine, and all other problems which involve getting 10 girls to swim a four minute routine, underwater half the time, with no goggles, staying in a specific pattern, and having to do all this precisely in time with each other. But to come out with 1st prize over all of England, Scotland and Wales, was one of my proudest moments of my life.

2. St Lucia. I understand that sharing my amazing holiday experiences on here could be seen as shallow and pathetic, however this was the most life changing of my holidays. For those of you who are culturally dumb (no offense intended) St Lucia is a small island, part of the Windward Isles, in the Caribbean,  which stretch down the edge of South America on the East Coast. I was just 12 years old when my grandparents announced that they were treating our family to a holiday in St Lucia, so I was unaware at the time of the impact that it had on my life. I would like to share with you one of the encounters that we had with a resident of Soufriere, the closest town to where we were staying. We drove into Soufriere and drew up outside the town's only supermarket, but as we made to open the doors of the car, a half-naked man with missing teeth and a severe skin infection rapped on the window. He cupped his hands in a gesture that resembled a bowl and garbled at us incoherently, spewing phlegm all over the outside of the window. My grandfather, wound down the window ever so slightly, and the man pressed his lips, blistered from the sun, against the gap. He repeated probably one of the only words he knew in English, ‘Dollars, dollars, dollars,’ all the while with a plaintive expression on his face, conveying the lost emotion of a man reliant on tourist generosity. My grandfather slipped a five dollar note out of the open window, and we drove on, struck to silence. Now, little did I know at the time, but many towns in St Lucia, such as Soufriere, are struck with abject poverty due to the lessening numbers of tourists on whom their income relies so solely on. Now, when I look back, I remember things that we saw, such as young children playing on the roads who should have been in school, and it hits me hard in the chest that they are so far away from help. This life experience taught me that although I take for granted my life now, I must remember to think about people in third world countries who do not have the same privileges.

These are the only experiences which I think have changed my life in more ways than just increasing my contentedness with life, which makes me exceedingly depressed. My main mission in life is to now try and find more of these experiences, so I can live my short life as much as possible, and make it the best it can be. You should too.

L xx

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lrXIQQ8PeRs Nickelback - If Today Was Your Last Day

BOYS

This is a topic that many a girl will ponder for a large proportion of their lives - namely the age I am now (16, for those who are new here). Now to us girls, boys are a completely alien species who work in ways contrary to our own, for example peeing standing up, walking around topless and going through puberty, which separates the boys from the men. When you are five, and you are told that these two completely different sexes actually fall in love, and marry each other, I'm sure most of us were a bit offended that this was our destiny. But when you get to your teenage years, hormones begin to have an effect, and the brain starts to tell you that you are lonely, and need a compatible mate to satisfy that loneliness. Now I myself (and I can say this, because you don't know me personally) have not had a boyfriend since I was 12 years old. TWELVE. And if I am completely honest, I'm not quite certain that playing kiss chase in the playground and daring each other to hold hands for a short period of time really defines "going out." But, as are the rules of primary school.

Before, I have always told myself that I will wait until I reach university to start seriously considering a relationship. But then I look at all of the happy couples around me and feel wistful that the only soul I can share my Ben and Jerry's with is my cat, who despite being a boy, does not quantify a boyfriend as such. I am generally a quiet person, but if I am friends with a boy, or I do not have a "crush" on him, then I find it quite easy to talk to him. I have several boys-who-are-friends, and joke and laugh with them happily. But if you put in front of me an attractive boy who I might have a tiiiny crush on, I instantly turn a nasty shade of raspberry and can only open and close my mouth like a fish out of water. Having completely humiliated myself, I then turn and walk away as fast as my legs can carry me. I experienced this first hand yesterday, when a boy new to the sixth form, let's call him Bob for this account, looked at me. Yes, you heard right. That's all it took. One look, and my brain went into overload thinking, "Is he thinking about me?" "Does he fancy me?" "Have I got something on my face?" "Does he think I'm ugly?" And of course while my mind is presenting me with these unwelcome thoughts, I am as usual looking like a patient from a mental institute. Oh, the joys of being a girl.

So this post is for all of the female adolescents who find themselves speechless when faced with the boy of their dreams and are unable to handle the incident at all well. Just be aware that you are not alone, that one day we will all find love and happiness with someone of the opposite/same sex. However for now, just embrace the single life and let the only men in your life be the ones on the posters on your bedroom walls!

Liberty xx

P.S From now on, in posts I am going to leave links to songs at the bottom which I feel are suitably matched to the emotions I feel when writing the posts. Enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vx2u5uUu3DE - Bon Jovi - It's My Life.

JOURNEYS

Our lives are a series of journeys. Our days are made up of smaller, literal ones; going to school, on holiday, to the fridge to get some food. But our lives, in the bigger picture, are made up of longer, metaphorical journeys. We don't realize the importance of these adventures until we look back, because most are so integrated into our lives that we don't notice they are there. For instance, I am about to traverse down my most important path yet; the road to university and my impending career that will follow. I am trying not to take this decision lightly, as it will affect the rest of my life if done properly. However, I am also aware that I am 16 years old, and I have a long way to go yet before I enter the realm of adulthood, which will be when my career choice will be most needed. Everyone has their own journey and path to follow, everyone will have fluctuations of important times in their lives, but it is very rare that you will meander through your short spell on Earth with the same relaxed attitude that you adopt to choose what drink you would like with your meal. So, I ask you to consider; what journey are you currently undertaking, or preparing to undertake? It is important in life to step back for a moment, stop, and think about where you are heading. I have made the mistake over the last few years of living a relatively meaningless, trivial life where I exist in a cycle of school, homework and eating, but it's now time for me to evolve and escape my cosy cocoon. When I take the next jump in my life, I want to be ready for it, and leap on to the wagon to see where it takes me. I know this is a very short post, but just think about the message I am trying to convey, and how you can apply it to your own life.

Liberty xx

BOOKS

Books. How can a few hundred of pieces of paper bound together have an impact on someone's life? Fiction novels cover a wide range of subject matter, from sci-fi, to romance, to comedy, to loss and tragedy. I myself read all manner of things; anything whose cover catches my eye, whether I have heard of it or not, will find it's way into my shopping bag. The reason I, and probably most other bookworms read so much fiction, is because it is a world away from whatever angry, sad or messed-up situation we are currently in. When I take my bookmark out and carry on hungry engulfing this teeming mass of words, I lose myself in someone else's life, and in turn I learn so much more about my life. For example, when I read The Fault in Our Stars (for the fifth time) I was struck by how an author can so accurately capture the feelings of someone in such a different situation to 'the average person.' Whilst reading that book, after setting it down I just sat and thought about what I had learned, and I find it hard to drag myself out of that meditative slumber into the real world.

When people see me cry at a novel, they laugh and shake their head fondly. However I don't think they understand what sort of person I am in that moment, they don't understand that I am so engrossed in a book and I get to the point where I feel like I am the character, and I am a part of their world. And similarly to The Fault in Our Stars, when Augustus Waters died it was like a hole had been torn in my heart (I will never forgive you, John Green). The difference between films and books is that, even though you may cry at a film, that moment will be over as soon as the film finishes. You may feel sad for the rest of the day, but because you are only visually involved in the film, you don't feel any emotional attachment to the characters. But in a novel, you delve into the characters head, and when whatever brilliant author divulges the scene of tragedy or heartbreak which will inevitably come, you journey on that emotional roller coaster with them. 

Bookshops are dying out. People are choosing, out of pure, unadulterated laziness on their part, to either watch the film adaptations, or to download books onto their Kindles. I for one will ever join in on the Kindle craze, purely because one of the things I enjoy about reading a physical book is that you can appreciate every effort that the author has put into that work of art. To me, reading something on a Kindle is cheating the author, because they were not designed to be that way. The best books deserve to have loving memories be created when reading them; several of my novels have been read so many times that the binding it splitting. But I don't mind, because every time I pick up that book to read it again I am transported back to the last time I read it, whether is was on holiday, or in the bath, or on the train. If you own a Kindle, I am not saying you shouldn't use it, because you should, everyone has a different personality and preference. I am just saying, when you hear of a story that you really love, go out and buy the book so that you can create eve more memories with it, because these are the things you miss as you age and mature.

FROZEN

On Saturday I went to the cinema to watch Frozen, the new animated Disney film in 3D, and, I can quite honestly say that it is the most brilliant, breathtaking, stunning film I have ever seen. I am a big fan of Mr Walt Disney anyway, and from this new array of films I didn't think anything could top Brave or Tangled. How wrong could I be? This film is so beautiful, and I advise anyone who can to go and see it. I am a huge fan of Idina Menzel anyway, as I am also into Wicked in which she plays Elphaba (The Wicked Witch of the West). Here is a brief synopsis of the film, for those of you who haven't seen it.

In the Kingdom of Arandelle, the King and Queen have two daughters, Anna (Kristen Bell) and Elsa (Idina Menzel) who was born with a gift which enables her to create snow and ice. Whilst building snowmen with her younger sister Anna, she injures Anna and is locked away in her room out of sight so that she cannot hurt anyone with her powers. Anna feels very alone as she can't remember what happened in the accident, so she can't remember about Elsa's powers. This loneliness is heightened when the King and Queen drown at sea, and Elsa is made Queen. At her coronation she gets frightened and uses her powers, shocking everyone at the party, including her sister. She flees into the mountains, alone and cold. Anna runs off to find her, befriending a mountain man named Kristoff, a reindeer and a snowman. When they find Elsa, they discover she has built a castle of ice into the mountain. Anna tells Elsa that she has set off an eternal winter, and Elsa yet again is scared, and when Anna tries to get her to come back down to Arandelle, Elsa shoots ice through her heart. Of course, the film ends happily, but rather than tell you the plot in its entirety I will leave it for you to find out.

The film is a musical, including several ballads from both sisters "Let it Go", "For the First Time in Forever" and "Love is an Open Door". Straight away after watching the film I bought the Deluxe Edition of the soundtrack, and I have not stopped marveling in its beauty since. 

This is a link to one of the songs sung by Idina Menzel, when she runs away from the castle. Please take the time to watch it, and afterwards you will definitely want to go and enjoy the entire film!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=moSFlvxnbgk