Have you ever felt like no one understands you? Like you are alone with nothing but your thoughts for company? Like you are an imperfection? I feel like this frequently. In fact, yesterday I had my parents' evening, which normally isn't a problem. I go in, get told that I am doing well/not so well/rubbish, and then we leave. But when me and my mum were sat in front of my psychology teacher, she opened with something I wasn't expecting, and quite frankly, scared me. She said "Liberty, I am worried about you." Now when people ask me if I am okay I have always maintained that I am fine, nothing is wrong, no need to worry. And that has always been fine - I hide my feelings away and people accept that I am feeling positive. But when this teacher tells me that - in a room with 20 other people, no less - she is worried about me? That scared me.
It's not like I am majorly depressed, or have a disorder, or am abnormal in any way. It is just that occasionally I get these unwelcome negative thoughts, and I just feel...well...shit. I have had a lot of things I have found hard to deal with over the last few years, one of which is my mum suffering from breast cancer. Originally I dealt with this with a manner of acceptance, she has cancer but it's okay because she'll have surgery and radiotherapy, and get better. Which she did. It is only now that I hear about cancer, such as in lessons, Biology to be exact, and I get kind of emotional. I have never really been an emotional person, but recently the slightest thing can set me off, and I will sob for hours on end. Now I've sort of gone on a tangent to what I originally intended to talk about, instead I've just ranted about my life. We all have moments where we feel like rubbish, and we don't feel like we deserve to be welcomed by society. Maybe I have more of these feelings than most, but it is just part of being a female teenager.
For me, the worst part was when after my parents evening, my mum asked me what was going on. She is amazing, and I love her to pieces, but recently our relationship has been steadily going downhill, due to the fact that she is very active in making sure that I am revising for my A-Levels every minute of the day. I had been keeping these thoughts from her because I didn't feel like I had a good enough relationship with her to share this with her, but also because I didn't want to worry her. However when she asked me about it, I just broke down. I cried for a very long time, with her sat on the end of my bed asking me what was happening, and what she could do to help. She even suggested getting a councillor to talk to. Even after all this, I still didn't feel I could justify to her why I was feeling like I was, and I think that by not telling her, I have hurt her, deep down. And I feel terrible, but I still can't find the words to explain what is happening inside me. Does this make me a bad daughter? I don't know, but I'm just hoping that I will either begin to feel more like my old self soon, or find the words to tell her. That is quite ironic. I write a blog, and yet I can't speak to my own mother. But, to quote Goodnight Mister Tom, "Everything in its own time". Eventually I will be able to speak to her as I once could, and until then, repairing our relationship is all I can do.
If you have read until the end, thank you, I appreciate it more than you can imagine. I don't write this blog in order to get views and followers, I write it because if I didn't then I would never let go of any of my emotions, and they would just fill my head until there is no room for anything else. So thank you, I love you all.
L xx
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qXnolqF3veE Tich - Little By Little
Showing posts with label rant. Show all posts
Showing posts with label rant. Show all posts
Friday, 14 March 2014
Friday, 10 January 2014
BOOKS
Books. How can a few hundred of pieces of paper bound together have an impact on someone's life? Fiction novels cover a wide range of subject matter, from sci-fi, to romance, to comedy, to loss and tragedy. I myself read all manner of things; anything whose cover catches my eye, whether I have heard of it or not, will find it's way into my shopping bag. The reason I, and probably most other bookworms read so much fiction, is because it is a world away from whatever angry, sad or messed-up situation we are currently in. When I take my bookmark out and carry on hungry engulfing this teeming mass of words, I lose myself in someone else's life, and in turn I learn so much more about my life. For example, when I read The Fault in Our Stars (for the fifth time) I was struck by how an author can so accurately capture the feelings of someone in such a different situation to 'the average person.' Whilst reading that book, after setting it down I just sat and thought about what I had learned, and I find it hard to drag myself out of that meditative slumber into the real world.
When people see me cry at a novel, they laugh and shake their head fondly. However I don't think they understand what sort of person I am in that moment, they don't understand that I am so engrossed in a book and I get to the point where I feel like I am the character, and I am a part of their world. And similarly to The Fault in Our Stars, when Augustus Waters died it was like a hole had been torn in my heart (I will never forgive you, John Green). The difference between films and books is that, even though you may cry at a film, that moment will be over as soon as the film finishes. You may feel sad for the rest of the day, but because you are only visually involved in the film, you don't feel any emotional attachment to the characters. But in a novel, you delve into the characters head, and when whatever brilliant author divulges the scene of tragedy or heartbreak which will inevitably come, you journey on that emotional roller coaster with them.
Bookshops are dying out. People are choosing, out of pure, unadulterated laziness on their part, to either watch the film adaptations, or to download books onto their Kindles. I for one will ever join in on the Kindle craze, purely because one of the things I enjoy about reading a physical book is that you can appreciate every effort that the author has put into that work of art. To me, reading something on a Kindle is cheating the author, because they were not designed to be that way. The best books deserve to have loving memories be created when reading them; several of my novels have been read so many times that the binding it splitting. But I don't mind, because every time I pick up that book to read it again I am transported back to the last time I read it, whether is was on holiday, or in the bath, or on the train. If you own a Kindle, I am not saying you shouldn't use it, because you should, everyone has a different personality and preference. I am just saying, when you hear of a story that you really love, go out and buy the book so that you can create eve more memories with it, because these are the things you miss as you age and mature.
When people see me cry at a novel, they laugh and shake their head fondly. However I don't think they understand what sort of person I am in that moment, they don't understand that I am so engrossed in a book and I get to the point where I feel like I am the character, and I am a part of their world. And similarly to The Fault in Our Stars, when Augustus Waters died it was like a hole had been torn in my heart (I will never forgive you, John Green). The difference between films and books is that, even though you may cry at a film, that moment will be over as soon as the film finishes. You may feel sad for the rest of the day, but because you are only visually involved in the film, you don't feel any emotional attachment to the characters. But in a novel, you delve into the characters head, and when whatever brilliant author divulges the scene of tragedy or heartbreak which will inevitably come, you journey on that emotional roller coaster with them.
Bookshops are dying out. People are choosing, out of pure, unadulterated laziness on their part, to either watch the film adaptations, or to download books onto their Kindles. I for one will ever join in on the Kindle craze, purely because one of the things I enjoy about reading a physical book is that you can appreciate every effort that the author has put into that work of art. To me, reading something on a Kindle is cheating the author, because they were not designed to be that way. The best books deserve to have loving memories be created when reading them; several of my novels have been read so many times that the binding it splitting. But I don't mind, because every time I pick up that book to read it again I am transported back to the last time I read it, whether is was on holiday, or in the bath, or on the train. If you own a Kindle, I am not saying you shouldn't use it, because you should, everyone has a different personality and preference. I am just saying, when you hear of a story that you really love, go out and buy the book so that you can create eve more memories with it, because these are the things you miss as you age and mature.
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