Others, however, are not. There are people you will meet/have met, who at the time you think will become one of your closest friends, and with whom you will share your deepest secrets and have an unforgettable journey. I seem to generally have rather bad luck selecting friends. The majority of my friendships from school have fizzled out by now, as I came to realise that they only thought of me as a 'package deal' with my at-the-time best friend, whom they wanted to get to know. When I realised this, sixth form seemed like the perfect opportunity to make brand new friends, and take on new adventures.
The problem is, I have never been very good at making friends. I care far too much about what people think of me. I will choose not to talk to someone new, for fear that they will think me odd, or boring, or will later go and gossip to their friends about me. This means that where some people, aka my best friend, are friends with a wide variety of people, I have a select few with whom I consider myself friends. In the first months of 2014, however, I found myself with a cosy group of new friends. We spend lunches, birthdays and meals together, and were very close. And then in the months that followed, things started to go wrong. We would have arguments which ended in sides being picked, I fell out more with my best friend than we ever had before, and we started to doubt our loyalty to each other. At the time, we blamed ourselves. In different ways, we thought, we have made mistakes which impact on our friendships. I spent a long time hating myself for things I thought I had started, which had created rifts in the group. It was only at the start of year 13 when something had happened to my best friend that I realised that most rifts in a group can generally be attributed to a person. Even in the most close-knit of groups, one person can plant seeds of doubt in the others' minds about the loyalty they feel, and this creates massive problems. At school, it is difficult to escape this pattern. We see everyone at least five days a week, and if you choose to ignore someone then it impacts badly on you rather than them, as you are seen to be isolated from the group. So you choose to accept it, You are stuck in a cycle of love and hate with someone, and there is no chance to escape until school is out, forever.
And when that time came, all I felt was an overwhelming sense of relief. Relief that I would no longer have to put on this façade for people. Relief that I could finally choose who I wanted to be friends with, who I thought were deserving of my attention, and I theirs. But with this relief also comes feelings of guilt. Really, what had this person done? Were they really deserving of my lack of attention? As humans, remorse is hard-wired into the majority of our brains. As is empathy. We are always thinking about how our decisions affect others - which is on the whole a good thing - but it also prevents us from making difficult decisions which may cause hurt to others. Or in my case, it may be mutual, as you realise that someone never really cared about you, and so consequently is not sad to see you go. In that way, your own feelings are collateral damage.
Some people have a difficult time of letting people go, because they think they owe it to them to stay. They've been a good friend for so long; yes, they've done bad things but ending the friendship is a bit harsh, isn't it? These people are perhaps too empathetic. They put the feelings of someone else above their own happiness. This makes me worry that they may get hurt by the person, and the betrayal will be so much worse than letting go at this stage.But I guess sometimes you have to just let it happen, in order for the person to learn how to put themselves first in future, and how to spot the signs that a relationship needs to end so that both parties can move on and be happier.
But please remember. You don't owe anyone an explanation for taking care of yourself. You are allowed to walk away from people who hurt you. You are allowed to terminate toxic relationships. You are allowed to be angry, and selfish, and unforgiving.
We all have to be a part of a toxic relationship for a little while in order to understand how much happier you can be without them, and the ability to break it off determines how strong you are as a person. Don't be afraid to put yourself first.
L xx
The Dandy Warhols - We Used To Be Friends
