HINDSIGHT

A few months ago I received a gift. It was from a friend who lives a long distance from me; I think it was supposed to be a late birthday present. Anyway, the present was a book. More specifically, a sort of diary. "A Q & A a day: a five-year journal". The purpose of the book is simple, each page represents a new calendar day. And underneath the date is a question. It might be, 'Who made you smile today?', or 'What is the recipe for creativity?'. Whatever the question is, underneath you have five spaces. The idea is that throughout the year, you answer the question at the top of the page in the top space. Each year, when you get to the date, you answer the same question. So you end up with five answers to each question, spread over five years. When you have filled in the entire journal, you can see the evolution of your answers over five years, so you can see how much you have developed, be it friendships, jobs, relationships...there are questions on all aspects of your life. And some which just extract your thoughts. They may or may not change over the time you write, but that's the excitement of seeing how much you have changed!

But the arrival of this journal got me thinking about the evolution of life. At the time of living our life, the changes we go through are unnoticeable. We don't notice each day that we are getting that little bit older, or more spotty, or cleverer. It is only several years on that we look back and think; wow. I used to be so young, and I thought I knew everything. But when a couple of years have passed, and we become nostalgic, sadly we tend to look back at a younger version of ourselves in a more critical manner. We analyse our choices and try to understand why we made them, and what our life would be like if we could go back and correct that mistake. We think, ending that relationship was a stupid idea. If only I'd thought a bit more before giving it up. But of course, it is only with hindsight that we can see things for what they truly are. Truth be told, hindsight is a useless tool. We cannot change our past actions by thinking of different endings, we cannot tell our past self that they are making a stupid decision. But given the chance, would you really choose to? All of your past decisions have shaped who you are today. The choices that then seemed so insignificant had bigger consequences than you could ever have realised, and so even just changing one could have massively altered your future paths. Similarly, there are things which at the time seemed terribly important, such as exam results, or a lie you told, but five years on you realise that it had no major impact on your life; in fact it was completely insignificant!

The only way to use hindsight positively, is to look back and recognise that although you made some silly decisions and cannot change the consequences of those, you can learn from your mistakes and move forward with them. Without those choices, both good and bad, you would never be who you are today, and that is a thing to celebrate. Of course, there will always be times that you regret decisions you made in the past, and they will always stick with you. You may not ever be able to view them in a constructive light. And that's okay. Because we, as humans, all make mistakes that evolve into regrets. And with times where you were hurt, or you hurt others, hindsight may seem like a cruel gift. But just remember - sometimes people with the worst pasts can create the best futures. Because they have the ability to learn from what they have lost. You can too.

L xx

www.youtube.com/watch?v=JQacsqQ2Gdg The Vaccines - 20/20

TOXIC RELATIONSHIPS

The most important component of a teenage girl's life is her friendships. I am not stereotyping here; it is fact that relationships with peers matter more to girls than to boys. We form friendships based on similarities in personality, through other people or just for convenience. I have formed friendships through all of these methods, and they all have their advantages and flaws. My best friend I met through someone else. They were good friends before I properly knew her, but as I got to know her better, I knew that our friendship would blossom into one of those rare connections where two people are so close, that living their lives separately would be unimaginable. Now, I could not comprehend the idea of being without her. We are so similar in so many ways but also so different; and I think that that is what creates an affinity between two people, the ability to enjoy things together and on their own without feeling isolated. For instance, we both adore musical theatre and Disney, and will watch films of the genre and sing along in the car together. But whereas she prefers One Direction and 5 Seconds of Summer, I prefer Sam Smith and Regina Spektor. Our similarities bring us closer, but our differences ensure that we keep our separate identities. Although, we frequently have the problem of saying the exact same sentence at the exact same time in a conversation, which maybe suggests that our differences are not quite different enough! I plan to spend the rest of my life with this girl as my absolutely best friend in the world, and through our ups and downs, that belief rules over all. Some friendships are made to last a lifetime.

Others, however, are not. There are people you will meet/have met, who at the time you think will become one of your closest friends, and with whom you will share your deepest secrets and have an unforgettable journey. I seem to generally have rather bad luck selecting friends. The majority of my friendships from school have fizzled out by now, as I came to realise that they only thought of me as a 'package deal' with my at-the-time best friend, whom they wanted to get to know. When I realised this, sixth form seemed like the perfect opportunity to make brand new friends, and take on new adventures.

The problem is, I have never  been very good at making friends. I care far too much about what people think of me. I will choose not to talk to someone new, for fear that they will think me odd, or boring, or will later go and gossip to their friends about me. This means that where some people, aka my best friend, are friends with a wide variety of people, I have a select few with whom I consider myself friends. In the first months of 2014, however, I found myself with a cosy group of new friends. We spend lunches, birthdays and meals together, and were very close.  And then in the months that followed, things started to go wrong. We would have arguments which ended in sides being picked, I fell out more with my best friend than we ever had before, and we started to doubt our loyalty to each other. At the time, we blamed ourselves. In different ways, we thought, we have made mistakes which impact on our friendships. I spent a long time hating myself for things I thought I had started, which had created rifts in the group. It was only at the start of year 13 when something had happened to my best friend that I realised that most rifts in a group can generally be attributed to a person. Even in the most close-knit of groups, one person can plant seeds of doubt in the others' minds about the loyalty they feel, and this creates massive problems. At school, it is difficult to escape this pattern. We see everyone at least five days a week, and if you choose to ignore someone then it impacts badly on you rather than them, as you are seen to be isolated from the group. So you choose to accept it, You are stuck in a cycle of love and hate with someone, and there is no chance to escape until school is out, forever.

And when that time came, all I felt was an overwhelming sense of relief. Relief that I would no longer have to put on this façade for people. Relief that I could finally choose who I wanted to be friends with, who I thought were deserving of my attention, and I theirs. But with this relief also comes feelings of guilt. Really, what had this person done? Were they really deserving of my lack of attention? As humans, remorse is hard-wired into the majority of our brains. As is empathy. We are always thinking about how our decisions affect others - which is on the whole a good thing - but it also prevents us from making difficult decisions which may cause hurt to others. Or in my case, it may be mutual, as you realise that someone never really cared about you, and so consequently is not sad to see you go. In that way, your own feelings are collateral damage.

Some people have a difficult time of letting people go, because they think they owe it to them to stay. They've been a good friend for so long; yes, they've done bad things but ending the friendship is a bit harsh, isn't it? These people are perhaps too empathetic. They put the feelings of someone else above their own happiness. This makes me worry that they may get hurt by the person, and the betrayal will be so much worse than letting go at this stage.But I guess sometimes you have to just let it happen, in order for the person to learn how to put themselves first in future, and how to spot the signs that a relationship needs to end so that both parties can move on and be happier.

But please remember. You don't owe anyone an explanation for taking care of yourself. You are allowed to walk away from people who hurt you. You are allowed to terminate toxic relationships. You are allowed to be angry, and selfish, and unforgiving.

We all have to be a part of a toxic relationship for a little while in order to understand how much happier you can be without them, and the ability to break it off determines how strong you are as a person. Don't be afraid to put yourself first.

L xx

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bm1g5Yg0hUw

The Dandy Warhols - We Used To Be Friends

DOING WHAT YOU LOVE

It was only a couple of months ago that I realised how little attention I paid to those four words throughout my life. Do what you love. In childhood, this manifested itself in hobbies; some children played football, some swam, some danced. Or if you were like me, you spent half your time playing sport and the other half reading. But although your parents may have shifted the balance towards you choosing a certain activity, it was your choice, and you chose to do that particular activity because you enjoyed it. This becomes even more prevalent when you reach teenage years and begin to drop hobbies - for those you carry on with are clearly those you have the most fun doing. I did synchronised swimming until I was 16 - competed in Nationals twice, with 12 hours of practice a week. You can only reach that level of commitment if you enjoy something. Children 'specialise' in fields of interest, and this decides what sort of a person they are and what they will be doing in later life.

Fast forward to the age of 16, when children have to decide their career. I know I seem fixated on career choice in my posts, but it was such an important realisation and journey for me personally that I don't want others to be stuck in the same position I was. So many people choose careers because they looked through a web page and spotted one they liked the look of, or looked at the highest-ranking salaries. But money is not going to seem like such of a pressing issue if you are bloody miserable earning it! A friend once said that although her dad earns a fair amount of money at his job, he dreads waking up every morning because he cannot stand his job. This is supposed to be a career lasting you 50 years, so why would you choose something that you hate? Life is supposed to be about happiness and fulfilling the short time we have, so why would you make yourself unhappy by making one wrong decision? If you always enjoyed leading groups and presenting in class as a child, be a teacher if that is what you want to do! If you wrote stories throughout your childhood and still have notepads full of them (ahem) then find a job where you can write for a living! If you are an incredible singer, bringing goosebumps and tears to those around you, don't listen to anyone telling you you are not good enough. Prove them wrong, and sing your way to the top!

I decided a while ago that my life is going to be focused around happiness. I will be around the people who bring out the best version of myself, and distance myself from the toxic ones. After exams, I will pick up the activities I always enjoyed doing - scrap-booking, drawing, writing, reading...the list goes on. I will set my sites on my end career goal, and do everything in my power to get there. Life is far too short to press pause and watch the replays, the best way to live your life is to LIVE! Have messy nights, travel, work night shifts, be completely and utterly spontaneous because that is the only way you can properly explore who you are, and from that develop where your future lies. University, a career and a family don't have to follow in quick succession, there is not a set path you must follow.

Do what you want, and don't let anyone tell you you're wrong.

L xx

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vx2u5uUu3DE Bon Jovi - It's My Life

IDEAS AND INSPIRATION

Inspiration can be sought from anywhere. The unnamed hamlets you pass through on a train journey. The people strolling past you in the park, content in their oblivion. The harassed parent with the screaming child on the supermarket floor. If you look closely enough, if you pay enough attention to the minute details, you have the potential to find that spark of inspiration that will later ignite and begin a scorcher of a story.

That's why I always carry a notebook with me. I seem to have an unhealthy obsession with notebooks; with far too many floating around my bedroom. I am transfixed by their designs, textures and quotes, not to mention the endless pages of fresh, new white paper. I am drawn to the stationary isle of any supermarket, to the Paperchases and Rymans' of the High Street, to the quirky boutiques of Camden. When I find a notebook that is just right, it then holds all of the memories of that trip in which I can immerse myself whenever I turn the pages.

It's my safety net. If I am in brand new territory and am seemingly lost, as long as I have a notebook, I know I can sit myself somewhere, and just write. Writing is what I do best. And if I can't write, I draw. As soon as I sit myself in a library, a coffee shop or a park, with people to observe, sounds and smells to stimulate my senses, I open my notebook and write.

I am going to challenge you. I challenge you to go to a new city or town, somewhere you have never been before. Buy a notebook; whether it's a 99p ringbinder from the supermarket or a leather-bound pad from a High Street boutique, the choice is yours. Purchase a pen; fountain pens are a personal favourite but a Biro will do just fine. Locate a local coffee shop, park or even a bus stop. Then just sit still, and breathe in the smells of coffee beans, petrol fumes, freshly mown grass. Listen to the people around you, the cats fighting in the back alleys, the water fountain trickling steadily. Find your own source of inspiration, and just let the words flow from the barrel of your pen onto the crisp, white paper. Appreciate the world you live in. That's where true inspiration comes from.

SPRINGTIME

Spring. The first full season of the new year. When I think of spring, I think of all of the clichés surrounding it; small, fluffy baby animals, vibrant yellow daffodils, the beginnings of new buds on trees. But for myself, the idea of a 'fresh start' that spring brings, also gives me hope that the coming year will be the best one yet. And that is what has happened. Every year, I experience new places, people and things, and achieve more than I ever thought possible. Because of this, for the last few years, on the first day of spring (in 2015 being 20th March) I have created a list of all that I would like to accomplish in the coming year. Now the items on this list are not typical "bucket list" items, such as go skydiving, go on a road trip or visit a festival. Instead, they are tasks which I need to complete in order to ensure that I achieve everything in the future that I want to. So, I am going to share with you all that is on my list, for the year of 2015.

1. A-Levels.

In summer, I will be completing my second year of A-Levels in Biology, Psychology and English Language. At the end of my first year, I achieved CBA respectively, which, if I am being completely honest, was a disappointing result. This year I am working harder and longer than I ever have before, to achieve my goal of BAA. Despite not going to university, results like these will land me in good stead for other opportunities, and will also provide me with a platform for leverage should I ever want to go to university. Evidence of talent is useful, but every employer likes to see a high quality array of three letters on a piece of paper.

2. Get an internship.

This next point sort of goes against what I have just said, but if a balance of the two is considered then you will begin to get an idea of what I am going for. For a career in journalism, or writing, most employers will look to those with a degree first, this is true. However the factor which is just as, if not more important is evidence of your ability. By getting an internship at a magazine or online platform, even though I won't be paid I will be mixing with the right sort of people and will be able to begin putting my writing out there. I am aware that long hours will be spent fetching coffee and taking notes, but what else am I to expect when I have decided to take the hard way in? Working out how a magazine enterprise works will allow me to work my way up in their estimations, and get advice from the best on how to make it big.

3. Get a full-time job.

Due to not being paid, a full-time internship would not be appropriate. I will be an 18 year old girl living with her parents, hoping to travel the world solo in 2016. For this to work, I need a job. Now I currently have two jobs, both lifeguarding at a leisure centre. However for a full-time position I will be looking for a job in retail in the city of Bath. Bath is a city of opportunity and class, and so I hope that working there will give me the inspiration I need when writing and finding a suitable internship. I am aware that points 2 and 3 will not give me much spare time, but by filling up my schedule I will ensure that as little time as possible is spent doing nothing. Because at the end of the day, where is that going to get me?

4. Work harder on my book.

As some of you will know, I began writing my first novel last summer. I am 50 pages in, and have not written a single sentence for it in 6 months. This upsets me, as during the summer I would spend hours drafting and redrafting - it was my creative outlook. Therefore when I finish my A-Levels and have much more time to think and be stress-free, I would like to begin to work very hard on it in my spare time, and hopefully at the same time as being something to do, it will allow me to hone my writing skills and impact on my blog, and everything else I am up to.

5. Write more regularly on 'Welcome to my reflection.'

This is the third blog I have written on since learning about the activity. At first I had a fashion and beauty blog, and then was asked to write for a lifestyle blog, and then began this one. I have not written as much as I would have liked to while I have had it, and am putting this misdemeanor down to the stress of exams and coursework. It was my creative outlook, my little piece of the internet. My baby! So following results day I would like to up my frequency of posts to at least one a week, in order to build my online portfolio, as it were, in anticipation of potential writing positions!

Next spring I will revise this, and can see what I have and haven't managed to achieve in 2016.

L xx

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LanCLS_hIo4 Bob Marley - Three Little Birds(because no one holds more optimism about the future than Bob, right?)

ELASTIC HEART

I wanted to compose a post today on the concept of art. Specifically, art when referring to music, and the choreographing behind videos. Even more specifically, about the ever so talented musician Sia, and her recently released video starring actor Shia LeBeouf and child dance prodigy Maddie Ziegler. This video has caused massive uproar in the music world and in the media, due to it's emotional, and personal nature. I understand that everyone has differing opinions when it comes to hidden meanings, however when people automatically cry "Paedophilia!" when they view a man and young girl interacting beyond what the public are comfortable with. LeBeouf and Ziegler are both professional artists, one a well-reknowned actor with years of experience, and the other a professional child dancer with a bright future.

I for one cannot understand why anyone would look at this video and see a sexual nature in any way. This is one of my favourite music videos of all time, and I have watched it countless times, trying to pick out the different messages Sia is trying to put across. The song is called "Elastic Heart" and so what I pull out of this video is Sia's two different personalities - one lighter and more childlike, and one darker half that represents her bad decisions and regrets. The two personalities hate each other due to the one constantly holding the other back, and no matter how hard the Ziegler personality tries to escape, LeBeouf is holding her back. However when she finally manages to escape the "cage" which I see as a metaphor for Sia's mind and body, she makes her way back in, and the two personalities reconcile. The intimacy the two dancers share represents the feeling that they are one, and that one cannot survive without the other.

Both dancers wear nude coloured, filthy body suits in the video. This again has been linked to the idea of the dancing being too intimate. However again, I do not in any way see a sexual nature to these outfits, instead, I believe they have been dressed in this way to focus the attention on the dancing, and portray the rawness of the workings of the human consciousness. This video made me feel extremely emotional and vulnerable the first time I watched it, because instantly I felt the emotion Sia was trying to put across. 

The controversy of this video has made me wonder - are we really seeing paedophilia in every situation where a non-related man and young girl are engaging in an intimate scenario? This video is SUPPOSED to show how close the two personalities are, and how they are both obsessed and repulsed by the other. I think it has thrown up so many controversial comments because unlike 99% of videos of this genre, it portrays a real emotion and is so much deeper than the others of its kind. I would be really interested to hear any comments that anyone has on this video and post.

I will link the video below, I encourage anyone who hasn't to watch it.

L xx

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KWZGAExj-es

CHRISTMAS

Christmas for me really is the most wonderful time of the year. It's a period where you get to spend time with the people you love most, and where everyone is joyous. Earlier, I asked my younger brother when his favourite time of the entire year is, which for him is the best day to spend. He replied with "my birthday". I asked him why. He then told me that on his birthday, everyone sings happy birthday to him, and he gets presents and cake and there is a big celebration as he is the most important person at that time. I reflected on this. I understand where he is coming from - all 13 year olds love presents and cake, and everyone feels special on their birthday because their life is being celebrated. When I was younger, I probably would have said the exact same thing. Even now, I enjoy being wished happy birthday, having the phone ringing all day and having an excuse to have a party. But here's the thing about birthdays; the person being celebrated is the only one who is truly happy. Everyone else feigns being excited for them, but in actual fact it is just another day for many people, where they could be doing other things with their time other than fawning over this individual. The reason I don't like my birthday, or my brother's, is that every evening my mum goes upstairs to her room, and has a little weep. This isn't because she's angry, or we've done something to upset her. It's because each year we get a bit older, and a bit closer to the time where we will eventually pack our bags, leave home and start our own families. And this fact scares her. Of course on my birthday I am happy, but when she quietly leaves the room in the evening I know what she is thinking, and it makes me sad that she thinks it every year.

But Christmas is different. Firstly, you get a long build up in the early months of advent calenders, chocolates, shopping and decorating before the twelve days of Christmas are even on the horizon. Advent calenders for me and my brother are so exciting - our parents used 24 silver tin cans to make a Christmas tree, and in each day they put a little present for each of us. For example this morning I got a little Yankee candle votive, and yesterday my brother received a bracelet from Hollister. They're never large presents, just little tokens which get us in the mood for the big day. Decorations are another of my favourite parts of the run up, I've decorated my bedroom with paper chains, tinsel, fairy lights, bunting, candles and a little Christmas tree on my desk. Every evening when it gets dark, the blinds go down, the lights turn on and the candles are lit. The atmosphere really calms me down, and gets me in the festive mood.

Another reason why Christmas is wonderful is the food. So. Much. Food. You begin with a bigger breakfast than normal, we usually have bacon sandwiches or pancakes before we start opening presents. Christmas is also an excuse to eat chocolate at any time of the day, so there will always be a tin of Quality Streets or Roses on the table from which people nibble all day. And then mum will bring out the big one. Christmas lunch is the best thing to ever be invented - with helpings upon helpings of turkey, veg, roast potatoes, stuffing, cranberry sauce, crackling and gravy. Absolutely divine. Then when you can't eat another morsel, puddings are brought out. Christmas pudding, mince pies, cakes, chocolates and gingerbread galore. More food than you could possibly eat, which is why on Boxing day lunch is a Christmas dinner sandwich and leftover pudding. You couldn't ask for anything better, really.

But shall I tell you the main reason why Christmas day is the best day of the year? It is because it is the one day where everyone around you is just as excited as you are, and you can partake in the festivities knowing that everyone in the room is content. And it makes me happy knowing that.

L xx

The song I have chosen for this post is my all time favourite Christmas tune, Fairytale of New York by The Pogues. Enjoy! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j9jbdgZidu8